Whoever relates to this title has all my love and support; this is where I am wanting to let my heart out and wishing you to do the same. This piece of writing is probably not capable of helping you out, but it is to encourage you to raise your voice, which is a necessary step towards healing such a trauma. This is for the sole purpose of sharing my own experience with you to make you feel less lonely in your journey and to also take a step towards healing.
Being in the most vulnerable state of existence when there was insufficient physical strength, mental strength, mental capacity to understand things that were done to me, I was an easy target to pedophiles. Since my first sexual abuse, the picture of life in front of my eyes changed dramatically, along with that, my ways to "cope" with life changed as well. Now that I look back and try to understand how the first ever experience affected me, I realize that the first thing I lost was my voice, that is my capability of speaking up against abuse. In the span of 5 years since the age of 5 I've been a target to multiple pedophiles, and in every one of those encounters my throat was unable to let any word out.
As an adult now I understand what that blockage in my throat had done to me. I realise that since then I had been unable to speak up against many things, not just abuse. It is probably my wounded self, my traumatized energy, that not only attracted pedophiles towards me, but also, friends, family members, acquaintances who had taken serious advantage of my "inability to say no".
Sexual abuse is not a suffering just in that absolute terrifying moment, but a deeper suffering afterwards as well. A suffering on many different levels, way deeper levels, within you. As I slowly progress in life, I realize with time to time how has sexual abuse changed my outlook on life, how very different it is from people who do not have this particular trauma. I've felt like an alien, who sees life in toxic neon colors.
I've never spoken about my abuse to anyone before, not even my parents. To let them know that their child was unsafe in their own house more than once would be pathetic, and also it had developed into a reason to feel shame on myself. Honestly, the shame had developed right after the abuse, for I was unable to tell my mother what happened, for I felt she'd think I've become impure.
It's only shortly after hitting adulthood, that I realised the main cause of my sufferings of all these years lies in those span of 5 years in my early life. Being way too young to understand how sexual abuse affects us psychologically and to really link the "cause "and the "effect" in order to get my answers I needed a source where I could feel understood without speaking up, because of course, my throat was still blocked.
It's interesting how I came across literatures that not only talks about sexual abuse, but focuses more importantly on the psychological effects of it, which let me understand that my thoughts, emotions, actions towards certain situations are not exactly my fault but the "effect of the cause". Just this realization was enough for me to start with my journey towards healing. Though, reading those books till the end was tough as well.
Sexual abuse in childhood is a traumatic experience that never truly leaves your nervous system once it has been done. The abuse ends, the trauma doesn't. It keeps cycling over and over again affecting your thoughts and emotions. This is to tell you that a journey towards healing would not remove those memories, but will make you aware of your thoughts and emotional patterns and will help you come out of the repetitive cycle of suffering within yourself. The first step towards this healing would be to speak up: whether you tell someone you trust or you write down about it. This platform would be a trustworthy place for you to speak up and start with your journey towards healing. Write down anything that comes in your mind regarding this topic and do not be afraid of letting your heart out. Such a brief writing won't be enough for me to let you know the understandings I've gained in all these years and the importance of speaking up and starting with a journey within, so this will be continued.